John & Nick

Because comedy needs more white men.

Parking Perks!

Adjunct2

O’Brien University is in search of a few good adjuncts. Consider becoming one of them today!

Coming Soon!

BigNews“The Breakfast Menu” makes its triumphant debut NEXT WEEK!

Tell your friends. Tell your enemies. Tell your hash browns.

Chris Rock ain’t got nothin’ on this.

Your buffet of comedy,
John & Nick

PREVIOUSLY: Further Apologies!

Your New Favorite Dating Site

tumblr_m7g5zasHmv1r9gn36o1_500We here at Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Date understand the difficulties of the modern dating world. That’s why we started our very own dating web site.

And we know what you’re thinking. “ANOTHER dating web site? Match.com, OK Cupid, Christian Mingle — who has all that time?” But we imagine you’re going to like what we’ve added to the mix: we’ve gamified online dating.

What’s gamification? It’s the use of gaming culture in a non-gaming context. That’s not a word we made up, either. We stole that definition from Wikipedia.com. You may remember gamification from such projects like Fitbit, which turned exercise into a game, or The Sims, which turned living into a game.

The key to gamifying dating comes in difficulty tiers. When you play a video game, the very first thing you do is select your level of expertise. Pro gamers always opt for the higher levels, which demand more from them in terms of skill and expertise. Newbs opt for the lower levels, which allow them to acclimate themselves to their new environment.

We plan to sort daters into five distinct categories, thus enabling equivalently experienced people to find one another.

Easy
Just wanna fuck? We’ve got you covered. Easy-level daters are exactly that: easy! While we can’t legally require you to hook up with your match on the Easy level, we’re heavily suggesting it.

Normal
Not interested in simply hopping in the sack? Don’t fret, there’s room for you too at Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Date. At our Normal level, users will do lots of interesting stuff like getting macro beers or going to the Olive Garden. You might find your soul mate, or you might simply gain skills to level up!

Pro
These daters know what they’re doing. They show up to the door with flowers. They use Uber. They know that splitting the check is the way to go, in the name of equality. Pro dates are like going through TSA Pre at the airport: it’s super smooth because everyone knows the drill, and no one’s trying to grope you at first sight. This is the level we hope most users settle in at.

All-Star
Some Pro users, however, need more. They’re not willing to settle for their soul mate. They want a little adventure mixed in. Wine tasting? Yes. Expressionist art exhibit? Sure. Sex dungeon? Of course. These All-Star users are some of the most elite daters in the country, and come with a wide range of interests as well as unique sexual desires.

Heroic
Our most difficult dating level pairs top-level singles with some of our country’s most difficult to pair daters. If you’re interested in meeting up with widows, widowers, terminal cancer patients, diaper fetishists, incredibly famous actors we’re not legally allowed to name here, or Mormons, you’ve come to the right level. Heroic level daters require pre-approval from our GamerDate Board, as well as a consultation with a licensed therapist.

Love isn’t patient or kind. It’s a first-person shooter. Stay safe out there, and remember to always aim for the head.

Become An Adjunct!

Adjunct1

Our good friends at O’Brien University are looking for new adjunct faculty members. Consider applying!

Searching for Chevy Chase in Chevy Chase

John and Nick recently had the pleasure of visiting Maryland. While there, they decided to search for elusive actor Chevy Chase in the town that bears his name. Here are their results:

John and Nick started their search at the Chevy Chase Supermarket, as Chevy Chase is known to have quite the appetite!

John and Nick started their search at the Chevy Chase Supermarket, as Chevy Chase is known to have quite the appetite!

Continue reading

Fat Dom: Live from LA!

Pixels_TacoBell_PremiereOur pal Fat Dom recently won the trip of a lifetime. He purchased two Triple Steak Burritos at Taco Bell, and one of them came with a prize he never dreamed he’d win. Fat Dom was flown out to Los Angeles to see the town and attend last night’s Pixels premiere at the TCL Chinese Theatre. Given the unique experience, we asked Dom to keep a diary of his trip for us:

5:00 am — Just got through security at the airport. Hardly anyone here.

5:05 am — I think I’m at the wrong terminal. Checking my ticket again.

5:07 am — I got it right! Everything’s coming up F.D. this week!

5:10 am — Throwing back a few pints at Chickie’s and Pete’s. Should help me sleep during my flight.

5:30 am — Boarding!

5:35 am — Turning my phone off! Plan is to have two more drinks and two Tylenol PMs so I can nap.

8:40 am — Just landed! There must’ve been a daylight savings or something while I was up in the air. It was a six-hour flight, but I left at 5 am and got here at 8 am!

9:00 am — There’s a guy here to pick me up. He’s wearing a tux. Small typo on the sign he was holding (said “FAT DUM”), but no problem.

9:10 am — I’m in a limo!

9:15 am — There’s no booze in here. Ugh.

9:20 am — But there’s plenty of Taco Bell! Yum!

9:30 am — Driver is taking me to the Sony lot. Should be cool. I wonder if they sell cheap TVs there!

10:00 am — Holy shit! Just drove past Freddy Prinze Jr.!

10:30 am — Sorry for the lack of updates. Been trying to spot celebs, but mostly just seeing a bunch of dumb construction workers.

10:35 am — I stand corrected! I think I just saw Haley Joel Osment.

10:40 am — Hey! That was the dog from Frasier!

10:50 am — Guess who just dropped a deuce in Hollywood?

11:20 am — At the hotel. FOUR SEASONS, yo. This place is dope.

11:25 am — Grabbing a drink at the bar.

12:10 pm — Put away a few. Pretty tired. In my room now. It’s amazing. I have a bedroom, a bathroom, a sitting room and an office. And it’s not all crammed together like a Red Roof Inn! It’s all separate.

12:15 pm — Big Taco Bell spread here. Delicious!

12:30 pm — Guess who just pooped in a Four Seasons?!?

3:30 pm — Sorry, guys. Had room service come up with some beers. Put me to sleep.

4:00 pm — Next part of my prize: I get to play a bunch of classic arcade games with Pixels star Josh Gad!

4:10 pm — Josh is running a bit late. Playing some Burger Time while I wait.

4:30 pm — Still no Gad. Moved on to Dig Dug.

4:45 pm — J.G. is here!

4:50 pm — Apparently Mr. Gad has a commitment elsewhere. We’re sneaking in a quick game of Pong.

5:00 pm — Josh is gone. I won Pong. Shut him out. Think he may have thrown the game on purpose.

5:30 pm — Back in my room. Getting dressed for the premiere. Blue tuxedo, blue martinis and cheesy double beef burritos!

6:00 pm — Driver waiting for me in lobby again. Despite my correcting him earlier, sign still says FAT DUM. A bit disrespectful if you ask me.

6:30 pm — Have the privacy shield put up. Rubbing one out in the back seat. When in Rome!

6:45 pm — We’re here!

6:50 pm — Walking the red carpet! Holy shit!

6:55 pm — No one is taking photos of me. Trying to linger so I get in some shots with celebs.

7:00 pm — Being rushed into theater. See you guys on the other side! Yay Pixels!

8:50 pm — Yikes. That was fucking terrible.

8:55 pm — These updates aren’t being published live, right?

9:00 pm — Shit, they’re about to introduce me to Adam Sandler. FUCK. What do I say? WHAT DO I SAY?!?

9:10 pm — Oh god. He was so nice to me. I didn’t know what to tell him. I said, “The location scouting was exquisite.” Hope he bought it.

9:20 pm — Goddamit, Sand Man is back. He seems to like me. Brought over to meet the director, Chris Columbus. I told him the camera angles were sharp.

9:30 pm — Sandler just asked me to visit Happy Madison offices tomorrow. Told him I’d think about it.

9:40 pm — WHERE IS MY GODDAMN DRIVER?!!?!?

10:00 pm — Back in limo. Headed home. Sandler wouldn’t let me leave without making plans for morning, but thinking I might bail.

10:25 pm — Back in hotel. On phone with airline.

10:35 pm — Apparently I cannot modify the tickets since I didn’t purchase.

10:40 pm — Fuck it. Booked my own.

10:45 pm — Having a cold one while I pack.

10:55 pm — In lobby. WHERE IS MY GODDAMN DRIVER?!!?!?

11:30 pm — Finally made it to LAX. Sandler’s assistant has called three times in past hour.

11:40 pm — Buying a new SIM Card for my cell.

12:05 am — Boarding plane.

12:15 am — In-flight movie is The Cobbler. Goddamit.

We’d like to thank Fat Dom for chronicling his one-of-a-kind trip for JohnAndNick.com! Dom texted us this morning and asked us to add, “Please thank everyone at Sony, Columbia and Happy Madison for me. Also, can I get an edit before you post?” Consider it added, Dom!

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