John & Nick

Our parents bought us an ampersand.

Giving Thanks (for Money)

Happy Thanksgiving from all of us here at Carroll ünd Klinger. On this particular holiday, we’d like to give thanks to all of the sponsors who have kept us rolling in cash throughout 2014:

We’ve sent dozens of customers their way. You’re welcome, business world!

The Brand Ambassador

Valhalla

My life changed when I became a brand ambassador for Valhalla Spring Water. For the better? Hard to say.

There are good times, to be sure. The cases of Valhalla Spring Water delivered to my driveway each month are a nice perk. I have enough to fully stock my fridge, one to display on my kitchen counter when guests are over, one for my car, one for the upstairs bedroom, and one right next to the elliptical in the basement. Should Valhalla ever terminate my enhancement contract, I also have plenty stored in my shed. Valhalla Spring Water and I will have a personal relationship that out-lives our business one.

But there’s more to it than the fresh, clean taste of Valhalla’s quintuple-filtered rocky mountain spring water. Sometimes I’ll go out for a day trip and blow through my water supply. I’ll become parched, having trained my body to expect an average of twelve 24-oz. bottles of Valhalla Spring Water per day. But I might sometimes be in an area with a corner shop that hasn’t learned about the crisp taste of Valhalla Spring Water. They’ll offer me a Dasani instead, but I’ll turn it down. Not because it’s contractually obligated*, but because I’m an honorable man. I have a brand. And Dasani is just tap water from Coca-Cola. I mean, when is THAT information going to break through to the mainstream media? I’m writing to my local congressman about it. I recommend you do the same.

Everyone always wants to talk to me about Valhalla Spring Water. This is fine when I’m at contractually-mandated appearances — I visit concerts, sporting events, playgrounds, and car dealerships, where I casually sip on my Valhalla in a cool and collected manner — but cumbersome when I’m trying to live my life as a private citizen who just so happens to have a contract requiring him to order, drink, and talk about Valhalla Spring Water while carrying on his day-to-day life. I’m sure it has something to do with the bottle. Yes, it’s aluminum, but no, it’s not a tornado. It’s technically in the shape of a cyclone. I don’t know the difference, but the people at Valhalla Spring Water make this very clear in the literature they sent me. I can take down your address and send you a brochure, if you’d like.

And sure, the women love it … at first. They all swoon during the first overnight visit to Casa de Valhalla. They get the free water upon arrival, after coitus, and before I escort her to her cab. But eventually, they all tire of it. They want to try something new. An Aquafina appears in the fridge, and I immediately know I’m being tested. She wants me to choose her over Valhalla Spring Water. Not because it matters, not because she thinks I don’t love her — just because she can. And that’s where I draw the line. If the water was good enough for you 6 months ago, it should be good enough whenever, Melissa. And if it’s not, I’m grabbing my coat, going to the bar, ordering a Valhalla Spring Water, and chatting up the first pretty thing I see.

Is this the good life? Are you jealous of the life I lead? Or am I just another “schmuck trying to make a buck”? You be the judge, dad. You be the judge.

*although it is contractually obligated

Hot Hot Hot

Actors, Models and Talent for Satan will be sponsoring us throughout this holiday season.

AMTS2

Thanks, AMTS!

Behind the Scenes with Rev. Dodge

ConfessionWe’re once again honored to hand today’s post over to Reverend Randy Dodge of Saint Brayden’s in Romer, PA. Today, Rev. Dodge is taking us into the confessional with him.

Reverend Randy Dodge: May God be with you, my son.

Manny Ruiz: Bless me father, for I have sinned. It has been four months and three weeks since my last confession.

Rev. Dodge: So it’s been a while. Please, unburden yourself.

Manny: Well, I’ve cussed a lot. I’ve been mean to my mom and dad more often than I should have been. I stole five dollars from my brother Jerry’s wallet. I also said “Jesus Christ” a few times, but in, like, a negative way. I’m sorry for these and all of my sins.

Rev. Dodge: Is that everything?

Manny: Yes, father.

Rev. Dodge: Nothing else?

Manny: No, father, that’s all of them.

Rev. Dodge: You’re certain?

Manny: Yes, sir.

Rev. Dodge: How old are you?

Manny: 15 years old.

Rev. Dodge: 15. Copy that. And you’ve confessed everything?

Manny: Was something wrong with my confession?

Rev. Dodge: Not at all. We priests just like to assist the congregation in perhaps finding sins that allude our memories.

Manny: OK, well I don’t think I have any of those. How many Hail Marys should I say?

Rev. Dodge: We’ll get to that momentarily. I want to get back to the sins first. Tell me: have you had any impure thoughts?

Manny: What do you mean by that, Father Dodge?

Rev. Dodge: Do you ever think of women in a way that you wouldn’t talk to me about?

Manny: I guess so.

Rev. Dodge: Like who?

Manny: Have you ever heard of Kate Upton?

Rev. Dodge: Oh, sure. Who hasn’t? So you have impure thoughts about Ms. Upton?

Manny: Sure.

Rev. Dodge: And what do you do when you have these impure thoughts?

Manny: I don’t follow, sir.

Rev. Dodge: Where are your hands when you’re thinking about her?

Manny: I dunno. By my side, I guess.

Rev. Dodge: By your side?

Manny: Yes.

Rev. Dodge: And you just keep them there?

Manny: Yes.

Rev. Dodge: By your side. Perfectly still?

Manny: Not, like, rigid. Hanging loosely.

Rev. Dodge: And you don’t do anything with them?

Manny: As far as I can recall, no.

Rev. Dodge: As far as you can recall. Well said.

Manny: Thank you, sir, I am taking debate this semester.

Rev. Dodge: So then you’re all done, correct? No more sins?

Manny: No sir. Just hoping to say my prayers and get out of here.

Rev. Dodge: You do know it’s a sin to sin in confession, right?

Manny: I never thought about it much, but that does make sense.

Rev. Dodge: It’s like a sin, but squared. That’s pretty serious.

Manny: I understand. I currently have an A in Calculus.

Rev. Dodge: I guess we’re done. Please don’t hesitate to come back if you remember anything else. For your penance, say five Our Fathers and five Hail Marys.

Manny: Thank you, father. I’ll go pound ‘em out.

Burn Bright!

We have a new sponsor this holiday season, and they want you to be the best you that you can be!

AMTS1

Thanks, AMTS!

The Next OK Go Video

ok-go_69_814How can the creative dudes in OK Go top their most audacious video yet? We have some ideas we’d like to pitch:

  • Lay the music over footage of the 2008 Summer Olympics Opening Ceremony.
  • A traditional performance video, but only ever released on Betamax.
  • Maybe a music video with a LOT of choreography; like really good choreography.
  • The guys are playing music in a blue room, and toward the end some dogs come running out.
  • Defrost Walt Disney and bring him back to life. He starts singing the song as his heart resumes beating.
  • Convince Barack Obama to declare war on North Korea. New single plays over first footage of bombs being dropped on Pyongyang.
  • “Here It Goes Again” sequel, but this time everybody’s on ellipticals!!!
  • What if it’s just a PowerPoint full of cat pictures? (Or: cats in sweaters?)
  • Re-create Pavement’s “Cut Your Hair” video shot-for-shot. Reunite Pavement to play the members of OK Go.
  • Video turns out to be a teaser trailer for Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.
  • Film the band going over Niagara Falls, or into space (depending on budget).
  • Band lives in the Big Brother house; loop song 24/7 while they live there.
  • Hard to explain in print, but it’s a synchronized swimming / competitive eating hybrid.
  • The guys just play their instruments in costumes (e.g. hobo, pirate, sexy nurse), but we blindfold the editor.
  • The band delivers a baby. (On exercise equipment???)
  • Does anyone know Quentin Tarantino? He would be a huge get.
  • Make the video exactly 6 minutes and 8 seconds long, then release a new second of it every day for a year.
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