John & Nick

Because comedy needs more white men.

Bye Bye Bye

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The Mid-April Mailbag

MailbagBeenAWhileWe’re ashamed to admit that we haven’t opened up the ol’ JohnAndNick.com mailbag since February 2014. That’s almost a crime, right? We’re making it up to you today! Mailbag, take it away:

Hey guys, can you write another mailbag soon? I miss it! — Heather Wright in Albany, NY

John: Your wish is our command, Heather!

Nick: Sorry about the wait, but I can only imagine how overjoyed you’ll be when you see this.

What gives, dudes? You haven’t run a mailbag in more than a year! Isn’t it easy to respond to mail? — Lisa Turtle in Carson City, CA

John: Easy? Not really. We want to give each piece of mail the attention it deserves. I understand how you can see it that way, but we put a lot of work into these.

Nick: Yeah, what John said. We put 110% into anything you see here, and I resent any implication otherwise.

Hey dudes, remember when we got drunk at the Deegs bachelor party and you two wrote that mailbag column in between shots toward the end of the night? Why have you never run that? — Domonic Johnson in Beaver, PA

John: That’s a lost column that we don’t plan on running. Maybe we’ll release it in an anthology one day, when folks are paying tribute to our historic career in comedy. But it’s not “canon” in terms of our wide swath of published work.

Nick: Didn’t we write that on a napkin?

Misters Carroll and Klinger, I hope you had a blessed Thanksgiving. My name is Herman Locke. I work in the greater Pittsburgh area with terminally ill children and help make arrangements for them to meet their heroes. I am working now with a lad who would love to meet one or (ideally) both of you in his time left with us. Speed, obviously, is of the essence! Can we make something happen before ‘14 becomes ‘15? I hope so! Let me know ASAP. — Herman Locke of Pittsburgh, PA

John: We’d love to meet the ‘lil guy, Herman. We love our fans.

Nick: Yes, please contact POB the Intern at randomintern@johnandnick.com! He’ll get back to you in 6-8 weeks.

If you guys don’t run another friggin’ mailbag soon, I may kill myself. — Raymond Wright from Annapolis, MD

John: That’s extreme, Raymond. I hope you’re still alive. If so, enjoy this mailbag and then you should seek help.

Nick: That’s not even a question.

A Royal Deal

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Spiritual Danger Ahead

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAWe’re once again offering our usual Wednesday post to Reverend Randy Dodge of Saint Brayden’s. Take it away, Father!

I’m writing today about an urgent issue that’s quickly overtaking our beautiful little town of Romer, PA. My main concern is that many of our parishioners and citizens don’t see what’s happening to the spirituality of our area.

In recent months, Romer has witnessed an explosion in the construction of places of worship. While religion is by no means a competition, I am concerned that these hip and trendy religious communities are actually fly-by-night organizations hoping to attract donations before fleeing town.

Remember that Saint Brayden’s (established 2011) is the only church in Romer to have lasted more than 6 months. That’s not an accident. We simply provide the best service and services in the area. Yes, we’ve been accused of intimidating other religious organizations, but such falsehoods are bound to spread amidst a small, vocal, and utterly wrong minority.

With all that being said, I’d like to list the new parishes that you should not attend, or else I’ll have you excommunicated from St. Brayden’s Parish:

  • The Church of Christ, Biologist
  • The Church of Christ, Journalist
  • The Church of Christ, Nutritionist
  • The Church of Christ, Bassist
  • The Church of Christ, Gastroenterologist
  • The Church of Christ, Meteorologist
  • The Church of Christ, Cosmetologist
  • The Church of Christ, Acupuncturist
  • The Church of Christ, Horticulturist
  • The Church of Christ, Scientologist
  • The Church of Christ, Ventriloquist
  • The Church of Christ, Abortionist

Thank you for respecting the wishes of the church. Our brand is in dire need of protection.

Sincerely,

Rev. Randy Dodge
Chief Ecclesiastical Officer
St. Brayden’s Parish

Herbs Only

Please stop seeking out spices at Herb Town. They only sell herbs. The ads are very clear.

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And no, we cannot recommend a spice proprietor unless such a business wants to sponsor the site.

April Fools!

whoopee-cushion-1066-pHappy April Fools’ Day, everyone! We’re in the mood for a prank, but we don’t want to prank our dear readers.

John had the perfect solution: he decided to prank his landlord! Since it’s the first of the month, John’s rent is due. You’ll never believe what he decided to do with that! Here’s a rundown of the prank as it happens:

UPDATE 1 (8:45 am) Just wrote the check! Rent check for $1.99, made out to my landlord Donald Cash, but I wrote Donny Cassh instead! Memo line says April Fools!

UPDATE 2 (9:30 am) I usually mail it, but thought I should expedite things by hand-delivering it! Just put it in his mail slot. Added a mini-prank on top by ringing doorbell and running away!!!

UPDATE 3 (10:10 am) Donny just called. Said it was “very funny” but also requested I bring rest of rent over. Later asked me if I rang his doorbell. LOL.

UPDATE 4 (10:20 am) Started to write rent check, but decided to double down! Made it out to Donny Who Now? for a total of 36 cents. Memo line says It’s Still April Fools’ Day!

UPDATE 5 (11:00 am) Stopping at Toys ‘R’ Us for some marbles. Will explain why later!

UPDATE 5 (11:25 am) Dropped rent check off again! Afterward, poured hundreds of marbles across Donny’s stoop! Gonna be hilarious when he steps outside.

UPDATE 6 (1:05 pm) Donny called! He said the next rent check better come in full. He did not seem to think this one was as funny. I also don’t think he’s stepped outside yet, as there was no mention of marbles.

UPDATE 7 (3:30 pm) You’re not going to believe this: Donny stepped outside, slipped on something and broke his tailbone. He’s in the Emergency Room. I hope he’s all right.

UPDATE 8 (4:00 pm) I know this was supposed to be a fun prank, but I feel bad! What if he slipped on the marbles? Hoping it was something else, but I’m going to visit him at the hospital. Planning to bring him my full rent, some flowers, and a whoopie cushion … because it’s still April Fools’ Day, right? :)

UPDATE 9 (5:10 pm) At the hospital! Gift shop does not sell whoopie cushions. WTF?

UPDATE 10 (5:50 pm) Donny claims he’s evicting me. Pretty sure I’ve got an “April Fools!” coming my way later!

UPDATE 11 (6:30 pm) LOL! My apartment is posted on Craigslist. This is too funny. You’ve got to learn to take it if you’re gonna dish it out, I suppose!

UPDATE 12 (7:45 pm) Still waiting for Donny to pay off joke. Gonna go get some dinner at Taco Bell while I wait.

UPDATE 13 (8:40 pm) I can’t get into my apartment. Someone changed the locks. This is going a little too far, Donny.

UPDATE 14 (9:05 pm) Does anyone have a couch or bed they can spare tonight, or ideally for the next few nights? Not an April Fools joke. Please call or text if you do.

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