John & Nick

Because comedy needs more white men.

The Breakfast Menu

TheBreakfastMenu

Parking Perks!

Adjunct2

O’Brien University is in search of a few good adjuncts. Consider becoming one of them today!

Coming Soon!

BigNews“The Breakfast Menu” makes its triumphant debut NEXT WEEK!

Tell your friends. Tell your enemies. Tell your hash browns.

Chris Rock ain’t got nothin’ on this.

Your buffet of comedy,
John & Nick

PREVIOUSLY: Further Apologies!

Your New Favorite Dating Site

tumblr_m7g5zasHmv1r9gn36o1_500We here at Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Date understand the difficulties of the modern dating world. That’s why we started our very own dating web site.

And we know what you’re thinking. “ANOTHER dating web site? Match.com, OK Cupid, Christian Mingle — who has all that time?” But we imagine you’re going to like what we’ve added to the mix: we’ve gamified online dating.

What’s gamification? It’s the use of gaming culture in a non-gaming context. That’s not a word we made up, either. We stole that definition from Wikipedia.com. You may remember gamification from such projects like Fitbit, which turned exercise into a game, or The Sims, which turned living into a game.

The key to gamifying dating comes in difficulty tiers. When you play a video game, the very first thing you do is select your level of expertise. Pro gamers always opt for the higher levels, which demand more from them in terms of skill and expertise. Newbs opt for the lower levels, which allow them to acclimate themselves to their new environment.

We plan to sort daters into five distinct categories, thus enabling equivalently experienced people to find one another.

Easy
Just wanna fuck? We’ve got you covered. Easy-level daters are exactly that: easy! While we can’t legally require you to hook up with your match on the Easy level, we’re heavily suggesting it.

Normal
Not interested in simply hopping in the sack? Don’t fret, there’s room for you too at Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Date. At our Normal level, users will do lots of interesting stuff like getting macro beers or going to the Olive Garden. You might find your soul mate, or you might simply gain skills to level up!

Pro
These daters know what they’re doing. They show up to the door with flowers. They use Uber. They know that splitting the check is the way to go, in the name of equality. Pro dates are like going through TSA Pre at the airport: it’s super smooth because everyone knows the drill, and no one’s trying to grope you at first sight. This is the level we hope most users settle in at.

All-Star
Some Pro users, however, need more. They’re not willing to settle for their soul mate. They want a little adventure mixed in. Wine tasting? Yes. Expressionist art exhibit? Sure. Sex dungeon? Of course. These All-Star users are some of the most elite daters in the country, and come with a wide range of interests as well as unique sexual desires.

Heroic
Our most difficult dating level pairs top-level singles with some of our country’s most difficult to pair daters. If you’re interested in meeting up with widows, widowers, terminal cancer patients, diaper fetishists, incredibly famous actors we’re not legally allowed to name here, or Mormons, you’ve come to the right level. Heroic level daters require pre-approval from our GamerDate Board, as well as a consultation with a licensed therapist.

Love isn’t patient or kind. It’s a first-person shooter. Stay safe out there, and remember to always aim for the head.

Become An Adjunct!

Adjunct1

Our good friends at O’Brien University are looking for new adjunct faculty members. Consider applying!

Searching for Chevy Chase in Chevy Chase

John and Nick recently had the pleasure of visiting Maryland. While there, they decided to search for elusive actor Chevy Chase in the town that bears his name. Here are their results:

John and Nick started their search at the Chevy Chase Supermarket, as Chevy Chase is known to have quite the appetite!

John and Nick started their search at the Chevy Chase Supermarket, as Chevy Chase is known to have quite the appetite!

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