We’re ashamed to admit that we haven’t opened up the ol’ JohnAndNick.com mailbag since February 2014. That’s almost a crime, right? We’re making it up to you today! Mailbag, take it away:
Hey guys, can you write another mailbag soon? I miss it! — Heather Wright in Albany, NY
John: Your wish is our command, Heather!
Nick: Sorry about the wait, but I can only imagine how overjoyed you’ll be when you see this.
What gives, dudes? You haven’t run a mailbag in more than a year! Isn’t it easy to respond to mail? — Lisa Turtle in Carson City, CA
John: Easy? Not really. We want to give each piece of mail the attention it deserves. I understand how you can see it that way, but we put a lot of work into these.
Nick: Yeah, what John said. We put 110% into anything you see here, and I resent any implication otherwise.
Hey dudes, remember when we got drunk at the Deegs bachelor party and you two wrote that mailbag column in between shots toward the end of the night? Why have you never run that? — Domonic Johnson in Beaver, PA
John: That’s a lost column that we don’t plan on running. Maybe we’ll release it in an anthology one day, when folks are paying tribute to our historic career in comedy. But it’s not “canon” in terms of our wide swath of published work.
Nick: Didn’t we write that on a napkin?
Misters Carroll and Klinger, I hope you had a blessed Thanksgiving. My name is Herman Locke. I work in the greater Pittsburgh area with terminally ill children and help make arrangements for them to meet their heroes. I am working now with a lad who would love to meet one or (ideally) both of you in his time left with us. Speed, obviously, is of the essence! Can we make something happen before ‘14 becomes ‘15? I hope so! Let me know ASAP. — Herman Locke of Pittsburgh, PA
John: We’d love to meet the ‘lil guy, Herman. We love our fans.
Nick: Yes, please contact POB the Intern at email@example.com! He’ll get back to you in 6-8 weeks.
If you guys don’t run another friggin’ mailbag soon, I may kill myself. — Raymond Wright from Annapolis, MD
John: That’s extreme, Raymond. I hope you’re still alive. If so, enjoy this mailbag and then you should seek help.
Nick: That’s not even a question.
We’re once again offering our usual Wednesday post to Reverend Randy Dodge of Saint Brayden’s. Take it away, Father!
I’m writing today about an urgent issue that’s quickly overtaking our beautiful little town of Romer, PA. My main concern is that many of our parishioners and citizens don’t see what’s happening to the spirituality of our area.
In recent months, Romer has witnessed an explosion in the construction of places of worship. While religion is by no means a competition, I am concerned that these hip and trendy religious communities are actually fly-by-night organizations hoping to attract donations before fleeing town.
Remember that Saint Brayden’s (established 2011) is the only church in Romer to have lasted more than 6 months. That’s not an accident. We simply provide the best service and services in the area. Yes, we’ve been accused of intimidating other religious organizations, but such falsehoods are bound to spread amidst a small, vocal, and utterly wrong minority.
With all that being said, I’d like to list the new parishes that you should not attend, or else I’ll have you excommunicated from St. Brayden’s Parish:
Thank you for respecting the wishes of the church. Our brand is in dire need of protection.
Rev. Randy Dodge
Chief Ecclesiastical Officer
St. Brayden’s Parish
Please stop seeking out spices at Herb Town. They only sell herbs. The ads are very clear.
And no, we cannot recommend a spice proprietor unless such a business wants to sponsor the site.